The Creaking Chair - Part XXV

4:49 PM


The Creaking Chair – Part XXV

12th September 1990

There are days when your body and mind craves for a fight
it can be in a brawl in a bar 
or a war of words and emotions with your dear ones
but there are days when you just crave for some kind of a outlet 
of course you don’t want to really hurt anyone 
or get hurt yourself – physically or emotionally 
but you want to have that rush of adrenaline to cleanse your system

The feeling is like that of a rusty door frame 
the hinges are crying out to come out – to break into dusty forms 
and yet holding on too afraid of the sound of a falling door 
as if it would break the slumber of a sleeping giant in the room
and that can not be good, is it?

The dichotomy of emotions at that moment,
it’s like the sound of wind slowly gaining speed before a storm
they say silence is the deepest before a storm 
I disagree, I think it is after the storm that the silence really kicks in 
when you realize the magnitude and reality of the destruction caused 
before the storm is a sense of fear of what may become of the next few hours 
you circle around that fear looking for something to hold on to 
hopefully a belief or a faith that would not be blown away in the storm deserting you

The same sense prevails sometimes when you are looking for a fight
there is an unease inside you knowing that you are skirting on danger 
relationships are delicate bonds that tangle at the slightest strain 
the art lies in knowing when to stop when the debate kicks in 
otherwise by the time you realize the knots are too string already for any respite 
but there would be days when you would have the craving
to give into the dark side and join forces with the Sith Lord

I have a few of these skirmishes with friends and family over the years
it’s a blessing when they know your nerves are on the edge 
and they ignore the venom on your tongue 
but there are times when your anger needs to be on display 
for you to be confident more than for the others to be mindful 
the fine line draws or erases itself depending on how much you let it burn though you

~ Ashk

P.S. – I decided to start writing a few letters for Sahil. ‘WTD’ is what I am going to call it – Wisdom Thought Doodle.

P.P.S. – Star Trek is any day superior to Star Wars (Unpopular opinion but truth!)

For the complete series, visit - http://www.ashksymphony.com/p/the-creaking-chair.html


The Creaking Chair - Part XXIV

3:37 PM


14th October 1949

Habits form due to practice 
but hobbies are not developed; it’s like having a feeling where they call to you
that’s what I believe 
have you ever heard someone say, I am on a 21 day course to develop a hobby ! 
And there is no specific time when a hobby may prop its lure in your head 
and the trigger can be many
for me my charm for cycling is one of those hobbies which happened to me

I am not yet a professional level cyclist 
but glad I am getting good day by day 
today is special because I hit the 100 Km mark for the first time 
And when I sat to write about it I realized the strongest impressions were of the last mile
The last 10 Km gives you all kind of sensations 
I am not even getting into the famed last mile stretch that the marathoners feel 
thankfully, I did not feel any of those life changing, hard hitting epiphanies 
or the absolute struggles of thinking how would I finish this infinite last stretch 
to be frank, I don’t think I had the feeling that I would give up

For me, the emotions were more of a memory reel
drawing parallels to some of the most esoteric experiences of my life 
the wind rustling through your ears inside the helmet reminded me
of listening to Opera music when I am trying to concentrate 
Also this was the stretch which I enjoyed the most because I was not concentrating on the miles covered anymore
I was looking at the scenery around, the trees and the hues of the sky
Guess because I had finally accepted that I would end up finishing my 100 Km & not give up
the weight of self expectation had gone down & I started to look at it as a joy rather than a task

There was also a bit of palpable anxiety in my throat and stomach 
don’t think it’s weird when I don’t say anxiety in the heart, this is on purpose
this was more of a nervous enthusiasm mixed with a sense of fear 
think of a countryside in wales or Scotland 
now imagine that you had a wonderful day ling drive enjoying the beauty of nature, 
the sunshine, the warm mist of a evening pregnant with laughter of your beloved besides you 
this was the feeling which you get post such a day when twilight settles
and you have reached a plateau overlooking a valley with an orange hued sunset 
that feeling of how fast the day has gone, warming your heart for what a wonderful time it was 
and that nostalgia already settling in making you fear the end of the evening – the moment sun would drop into oblivion in a few moments

Cycling is also dichotomous in that sense 
when you are in the act, you are concentrating on completing the next km & then the km in an infinite loop 
you would feel the troubles of your daily life, would be lost because your entire focus is on ensuring you reach the finish line 
but once you start enjoying the process, you reach a meditative stage 
when you start to reflect on life as your brain sending reminders to you to keep a track on the kms to go from time to time 

~ Ashk

P.S. – The feeling that came to me when I crossed the 100 Km line was that of being in my school Chemistry lab performing salt detection test and the colour changed in the beaker changed to yellow !!

P.P.S. – I need to gather my thoughts more around how does it feel for the first 90 km as well for a complete memoir

For the complete series, visit - http://www.ashksymphony.com/p/the-creaking-chair.html

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