5/29/21

The Creaking Chair - Part XXX

 


29th May 1954

Cat Stevens couldn’t have captured the emotions I feel right now
better than how he did in the song “Father and Son”
Now this song has been and I am sure will be one that would be close to my heart all my life
and for multiple reasons
As I write this today though, I feel pulled the anger and frustration
of the high-pitched voice of the son in the song
and ‘I know I have to go away’


To be frank I should not have much to complaint about

if I look at it from the idealistic way
I have a room to myself at my parent’s house
my privacy doesn’t get overly infringed and I can practically do what I wish to
as long as it is in my own quarters and does not draw enough attention
I get good food and don’t have to worry about cooking it
I can get and borrow all the books I need from the local library
and devour them in my room in my solitude
while I also write down all my pent up thoughts in my multiple diaries
and most importantly I don’t have to see or hear domestic quarrels
or worry about someone snapping up at me for anything and everything I do
which I know quite a few of my friends have seen in their homes


But in spite of all this, there is something which is eating me alive

I don’t know if it is a factor of my age that I see and sense and feel so
or can I attribute it to the days I have spent alone over the last few years
which have turned me into a person which is so distant from what I am at my home
and the dichotomy of my emotions and personalities is too much to cope up with now
but there is a constant sense of suffocation, which is drawing me in everyday slowly but steadily
It’s creating a rift in my head where the distant personality of what I was when I lived in this house for the first time as a kid
and what I have turned out to be now as an adult – independent and different in many ways
they clash and try to resolve the outward expressions of my being in a constant duel
It has also got to do with the presence of my parents
and the lack of communication that we have had for so many years


Ok, to be fair – we do communicate and talk a lot and are there for each other

but in spite of all of that there is a huge chunk of my personality which they are unaware of
and it has to be a two way lack of communication
while they possibly never left the time and space of this house when I was an innocent kid
and life was pleasant and they were young and had their ambitions alive
I on the other hand, have never taken the initiative to truly introduce the new me to them
for the fear of conflicting principles and ideals, or simply to avoid the effort of explanation
but the conflict in my head due to all of this now seems to be reaching an extreme point


Time flows differently when I am alone in a different city
and it is weird – because even now I am alone in my room
but the underlying thought in my head is aware that my mother is about to set up supper
and this being the and off day for me (there is a different story of how everyday is an off for me but they don’t know about it, yet)
the expectation is that I should have the supper together
but I am in the flow right now, letting out my emotions and thoughts,
breaking my routine of a night time diary entry and rather during it right after my bath
(and that is special and exceptional for me)
but I can feel the hands of uncalled for pressure in my head to stop this and go and have supper with them, smile and make small talks
all the time craving for the silence of this room when I can be the real me, without any judgement or analysis of how I sit, or what I am about to say, or how I am feeling


This over obsession with my wellbeing and at times the worry of if I am ok,
it is unnatural and unhealthy, not only for my folks but it has been for all of us
and the lack of communication I promised myself post the famous bust up I had when I was in my undergrad has ensured that our relationship also doesn’t live up to the real potential it could
Living alone in a different city, time goes slower and much more peaceful
because the daily routines are not sacrosanct and there is fluidity to life
which makes life worth living and exploring, because that is the true me
unbound from the rules that we create for ourselves and hinder our growth
or stop us from evolving and seeing the world in a new light, when we can


I must stop though now, and come back and finish this when post my supper
I guess my dad was wait for the weekends to be the only time in the week when he can have a meal along with me
This both makes me reek under pressure, guilty and privileged all at the same time 


And as is the case most of the times, the flow is gone now as I sit again to complete this entry
All I know is that I have to go away …


~ Ashk


P.S. – This was the time when I had given up my daily stable job and was pretending to be working on an IT project to my folks, while I closed the room and was trudging away doing my side art gig


For the complete series, visit - http://www.ashksymphony.com/p/the-creaking-chair.html

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