Ashksymphony

उसने लिखना छोड़ दिया  मैंने पुछा क्या हुआ  तो वो थोड़ी देर तक ठहरा  फिर जैसे कुछ गेहन सा सोच के बोला  अब शब्द नहीं मिलते  मै भी आज चर्चा के मूड में था  तो मैंने भी कह दिआ  शायद ये अच्छा ही है  हो सकता है तेरा दर्द जो तू इतने दिनों से  रह रह कर इन कहानियों में बहा रहा था  अब खर्च हो चला हो  शायद ये एक ख़ुशी का मौका हो  एक नयी शुरुआत हो  कुछ खुशनुमा लिखने की कोशिश कर  उसके चेहरे पे एक अजीब सी कसक थी  जैसे वो था यहाँ  पर असल में कही और बैठा था  किसी याद के आंगन में बतियाते हुए  और मेरी बात सुनकर जैसे भागता हुआ आया हो उस गली से  वो जब दौड़ने के बाद हाँफते हुए  जो थकान चेहरे पे आती है  उसी चेहरे के जैसे देख रहा था मुझे  मैं जानता उसे कई सालों से हु अब  तो मुझे लगा शायद मैंने कुछ ज्यादा ही कह दिआ  थोड़ा भावुक सा तो है वो  कहीं मैंने कोई दुखती सी नब्ज़ तो नहीं पकड़ ली उसकी  वैसे काफी बेहूदा सा खौफ है ये मेरा , मैं सोचूं तो  अब दोस्त होना भी क्या एक इम्तेहान बना लूँ...

  29 th May 1954 Cat Stevens couldn’t have captured the emotions I feel right now better than how he did in the song “Father and Son” Now this song has been and I am sure will be one that would be close to my heart all my life and for multiple reasons As I write this today though, I feel pulled the anger and frustration of the high-pitched voice of the son in the song and ‘I know I have to go away’ To be frank I should not have much to complaint about if I look at it from the idealistic way I have a room to myself at my parent’s house my privacy doesn’t get overly infringed and I can practically do what I wish to as long as it is in my own quarters and does not draw enough attention I get good food and don’t have to worry about cooking it I can get and borrow all the books I need from the local library and devour them in my room in my solitude while I also write down all my pent up thoughts in my multiple diaries and most importantly I don’t have to see or hear domestic quarrels...

  08 th  July 1999 I have been told I suffer from an elevated sense of  narcissism and I don’t think I can deny the allegations you decide to agree and accept things when they are repeated from multiple loved ones and time over time I think I even get a sense of pride in the title, if it can be called so it goes with being a narcissist I am told – a circular cycle I have also tried to dig deeper into the reason of why it should be so I am otherwise quite a humble character if I were a part of a movie or a character in a book I would be one of those on the edge characters those whom you don’t etch themselves in your mind when you finish the book but who linger on the periphery, with a few moments clearly remembered But I digress from the point and linger on my own narcissism, again No surprises.. what I want to write about is an introspection which you would have guessed by now is on my narcissism Yesterday I was speaking to Atul and in the backdrop of the fact that the wo...

  9th November 1988 When I was a kid, I was rarely exposed to any foreign language movie or play we came from a humble background and were just catching up to the so called ‘upper middle class’ and we had certain values which we adhered to and certain unsaid ways of living that changed when I moved to Delhi for a couple of years for my first tryst with life as an adult – that is when I could relate to the movies & plays I saw this was also the time when I had fought with my father in my effort to join the armed forces That was the beginning of a curve in my life that took me to twisted routes of ups and downs, of joys and sorrows, of adventures and misfortunes but none of them did I regret or feel sorry about even today had I not taken that route, I would possibly not have spent my time in Paris or Madrid I may never have met Paul or Jamie or Harshita or Vani ; I can go on with the list  all treasures in my memory vault I explored the emotion of love and the tickle in the ...

  17th October 1988 ‘Of evenings that smell of you’ Often times I have written about heavy clouds in an evening sky  and many a times of winter or summer evenings  all coming with their own character of restlessness, calm or anger but there have been only a few instances when I have written of a casual evening one that is uncharacterized by anything unusual, rather is surprisingly plain As I remember now, such evenings belonged to you, beautiful in it’s own serene ways And such evenings were divided in two phases in my life one was the phase when I spent those evenings with you  whether you were physically present around me  or we were separated by distance, yet connected by spirit and the other phase is one with memories  of you, of a distant me and of us  of reminiscence and stories and letters on the balcony But most of all I remember the evenings when I felt restless  and you getting out of your evening bath would come to sit besides me and my...

  07th April 1988 ‘A commentary on struggles and injustice’ this was the pamphlet in my hand  as I entered the market place in Toulouse on this Sunday afternoon I was out to buy some croissant and wine for an evening of recluse in my immaculately neatly kept apartment  a fetish I had developed recently and was slowly developing great pride in It was supposed to be a dialogue followed by a rendition of Warsaw concerto  and the orations would focus on the themes of ‘human spirit and resilience’, ‘the fundamental nature of the oppressor” and  ‘the anatomy of a revolt’ to my Sunday slumbered mind these sounded quite grand  but then the name of one of the speakers stood out to me  We had dated for sometime during my stay at Marseille  and I realized how organically had we drifted apart  The fact that the passage of time between us was so vivid in my head  was a revelation for me – I had barely thought about her for the last 5 months and it ha...

If tomorrow never comes, Know that I tried, with all my might I may not have been broken, but I was tired And you must know I did not go away, without a fight The epic battle of my life, ironic   If tomorrow never comes, Know that I tried, to forget and forgive, all trivial, in this state of mind of all promises made and silences broken all mistakes made and paths not trodden   If tomorrow never comes, Know that I tried, to leave behind all my insecurities Of troubles nights and anxious days Of social pressures and self-imposed pains Of words you couldn’t understand or fears I could not speak   If tomorrow never comes, Know that I tried, to be ok with not being ok But then the hashtags disappeared And photo ops died, it was another cause they were rallying While I sat forgotten in my bed still nervous to be called mental   If tomorrow never comes, Know that I tried, to speak up and not bottle down my emotions Of the...